


Could you love me anyway

by SadaVeniren



Series: Canon Compliant BDSM [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: BDSM, Bad BDSM Etiquette, Canon Compliant, Consensual Name Calling, Dom Louis, Dom/sub, Kink Negotiation, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Post-The X Factor Era, Spanking, Sub Drop, Sub Harry, Subspace, Under-negotiated Kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-27 09:05:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19787695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SadaVeniren/pseuds/SadaVeniren
Summary: Dear Mistress Lorin: I’ve been reading your blog for a couple weeks now and was hoping you’d give me some advice for something that happened with me and my boyfriend. I’m really worried that I hurt him.aka Harry and Louis begin playing ping pong during the X-Factor Tour. It quickly gets out of hand.





	Could you love me anyway

**Author's Note:**

> First: this is a kink discovery fic. They discover their kinks and they aren't particularly good at proper kink etiquette or behavior. That's why there's the tag "mild dubious consent" because... there's some parts where the consent is blurry. I know I tend to write kink from the perspective of people who have been there and done that but this is not one of those fics. So please, never, ever use this fic as a guide or how-to for BDSM.
> 
> I also realized that in setting this in early/mid 2011, 50 Shades of Grey hadn't even been self-published yet let alone taken over the public psyche in a way that made BDSM a more common idea. Which lead to some creativity when it came time to .... figure everything out.
> 
> This is all because of the BDSM channel of the group chat: Jacky, Amanda, Megan, Liz, Emma, all the casual lurkers ;) It was supposed to just be a ping pong spanking fic and instead this is what we have.
> 
> Lovely shoutout to my beta Marissa who pulls me through some tough writing stuff. And Sus and Emmu for cheering me on while I wrote this and cried about this fic turning into what it was.
> 
> Song title is from Pink's song of the same title :)

Louis was an athlete. That was the first thing Harry had truly learned about him. He was an athlete in a way that Harry would never be; better by miles at footie than Harry could dream of. He gave Liam a run for his money at jogging - even though Louis spent the whole time bitching. Which is why when they’d spotted the ping pong table in one of the rooms backstage while they were in Sheffield for the X-Factor tour Harry had been hesitant to pick up the paddle opposite Louis.

“Come on, Haz, it’ll be fine,” Louis said, picking up one of the paddles and spinning it like he was testing the weight. He looked so effortlessly cool, and Harry could already see where this was leading.

He couldn’t help the way his bottom lip popped out. He didn’t want to spend their free time before the show started getting thrashed and embarrassed by Louis. He was competitive even though he was crap at most sports. And _sure_ losing to Louis wasn’t the worst thing in the world (it was actually weirdly lovely) but Harry could think of at least four different things to occupy their free time with. (Bases. He was talking about the four bases… of sex.)

But Louis just had this aura about him that meant that despite his protests, Harry was picking up the other paddle and getting into position across from Louis. Louis had the small ping pong, and he was bouncing it lightly on the table, frowning at it. Harry spread his legs, trying to get a feel for what he should be doing. He knew how ping pong worked, it was one of those sports he couldn’t help but watch when it was on the telly during the Olympics, but he had no idea how his hand-eye coordination would keep up with the tiny ball bouncing back and forth and back and forth.

“Ready?” Louis asked, giving the ball a little bounce on the end of his paddle.

One, two - it tipped off the edge, and Louis caught it with a laugh, and Harry couldn’t help but laugh along with him.

Louis served the ball, bouncing it right into the net. “Ah, fuck, that was just a warm-up,” he said, reaching across the table to pluck it up.

His second serve had more power behind it;maybe a bit too much because it sailed over the net, bounced once and then plopped off the table away from Harry before he could even react.

Louis raised his hands up in the air in triumph. “Point for Tommo!”

Harry sighed, smiling as he went to pick up the ball from where it had rolled on the smooth concrete of the ground. “My serve now.”

“Course it is,” Louis agreed easily. He was stretching, looking much more impressive than Harry could as he started to slide into a split.

“You’re gonna rip your trousers,” Harry said. The ball was _really_ light, and as he tossed it in the air, he worried that it would just float away. He bounced it on the table, trying to see if he could control it like he’d seen the players do on telly.

His first serve went easily over the net and right towards Louis. He had fast enough reflexes that he hit it back towards Harry with - well not ease considering he contorted his elbow to do it, but he got it back to Harry. Harry let out a squawk as he managed to just hit the ball again… right into the net.

Louis raised his arms again. “Another point for Tommo! Hand it over, my serve.”

Harry grabbed the ball but didn’t hand it back. “No. Loser serves.”

Louis shot him a look. “That’s not how the rules work.”

“It’s how my rules work,” Harry said. “House rules, or whatever.” He was already serving, and this one was better than his last one. It went smoothly over the net and bounced. 

Louis returned the serve, and this time, Harry was ready. He served it back, and he watched in glee as it bounced and went off the table. He couldn’t help the yelp of joy he let out as he jumped up at getting a point. 

Louis was frowning, getting that competitive look in his eyes as he went to retrieve the ball. Harry recognized it. It was the look Louis got whenever someone challenged him. It had never been directed at him before though, and it sent a small thrill through Harry. He couldn’t properly figure out why; normally he preferred to know he’d pleased Louis more than anything. This was new; the way he was challenging him.

“My serve,” Louis said, and he didn’t give Harry any chance to respond before he served it, but somehow Harry just knew how to react. He popped the ball back to Louis, and when Louis tried to return it, it hit the net.

Louis let out an annoyed huff. “Again.”

Another serve, and again, Harry was quick enough to react and serve the ball back to Louis. Louis smashed the ball back to him, and Harry returned it.

Adrenaline was pumping through Harry’s body, that competitiveness he always had but didn’t experience around Louis. He loved being _good_ at stuff. He loved winning, and beating Louis at a sport was… exhilarating.

He finally missed, the ball dropped to the ground, and Harry felt almost out of breath, even though he hadn’t truly been moving that much. He could feel himself beaming, though, as he picked up the ball. He was still smiling even when he saw Louis’ face, clearly annoyed at how well Harry was doing. Louis probably had hoped this would be another chance to embarrass Harry, making him blush and curl up on himself until Louis finally came over and whispered to him that it was okay and he didn’t mind, and he thought the way Harry pushed through his embarrassment for Louis was _so good_.

But maybe it was a good thing that Harry was finally proving to him that he could do something well for once. Something better than Louis even. It made Harry know he could compete with Louis, that they were closer to being equals.

He served the ball again, and he could tell Louis was getting agitated at how well he was playing. So much so that when Lou called Louis’ name for hair, he dropped his paddle on the table and left without saying a word to Harry.

***

Louis was a sore loser. He was a sore loser who was in love with Harry though, and that was really what Harry was focusing on. They’d finally said those words to each other - “I love you” - and sure it had been a little cheesy, whispered to each other while crammed in the bus bunk, but it was _the words_. Harry had wanted to say it earlier, so much earlier. He’d thought about saying it to Louis on his birthday, but they hadn’t been together then, and the first “I love you” was definitely something he wanted to do in person.

He thought maybe Louis would beat him to it on his own birthday, and then Valentine’s day but both of those days passed by without them actually saying the words. They’d been on the tip of his tongue to say, but it just didn’t seem like the right time.

He supposed the way it had happened was the right time, though, since Louis had said the words back and sealed them with a kiss.

So yes, Louis was a sore loser, but at least he loved Harry. And Harry lorded that over him which really only made Louis more of a sore loser.

There was a ping pong table in the cabin Louis had rented for them in France, and Harry was pretty sure Johnny and Stan were moments away from banning him and Louis from playing each other considering the mood it sent Louis into.

“You have to be cheating!” Louis accused as he bounced the ball on the edge of his paddle. He’d gotten much better at it, able to juggle the ball almost as many times as he could do with a football.

Harry rolled his eyes. “Just serve the ball, Lou. You’re just putting off the inevitable the more you play around with the ball.”

He knew Louis’ tricks at this point. Louis would play around and try to catch Harry off guard to get a point off of him, but Harry’s reflexes were too good. It took a lot to distract him, and unfortunately, Johnny had put a stop to stripping in public places the moment they set foot in the cabin.

Louis huffed and served the ball. The thing was Louis wasn’t _bad_ at ping pong by any means. He could play, and he’d only gotten better the more they played against each other. Harry was just that smidge better, and he knew it.

He tapped the ball back, making Louis have to come forward to send it back - right into the net. 

Harry cackled. “Point to Styles! That’s what? 15 to 6 at this point? Are you sure you want to play to 20? You’re off your game tonight.” He stuck out his tongue, even as he saw how Louis’ eyes darkened.

Louis pointed the paddle at him. “Watch your mouth, Hazza. Or I’m going to have to punish you.”

Harry’s laugh filled the room. “Sure, Lou. Your serve. Unless you’re giving up.”

Louis’ eyes were still dark as he picked up the ball. Harry could tell he was muttering under his breath, but he didn’t care. He knew he had this game in the bag, just like he had every game he’d been playing against Louis recently in the bag. He was just that good.

Two serves from Louis later, and Harry was at seventeen points. And yeah, he was gloating. And dancing in victory. Even when he saw the way Louis was tense, clearly annoyed at his antics. But Harry knew what he was doing. He’d seen Louis act like this plenty of times. He’d get over it in a few minutes, the most it had taken so far seemed to be an hour. Louis couldn’t stay mad at him for very long.

And that was because… 

“You love me so much,” Harry crowed, teeing up to receive the next serve. “So wipe that grumpy face away. We’re on holiday! And you’re getting your arse kicked by me!”

“That’s it!” Louis said, dropping the ball. “I’m shutting you up.”

And just like that he was grabbing hold of Harry’s arm, forcing him down over the table and - the paddle didn’t exactly sting on his bum considering he was wearing jeans. Harry couldn’t feel much of anything but the _act_ of it, and the surprise of it, had tears springing to his eyes. He yelped and tried to fight Louis, but just as quickly as Louis had wrestled him down and spanked him he’d let Harry go, and he’d stepped away.

The room was silent. Just their heavy panting filled the air, and it took all of Harry’s strength to push himself off of the table. He wiped his eyes, still not sure why he’d started to cry when it didn’t hurt. His arm dropped, and he met Louis’ eyes, wild and wide, clutching the wooden paddle in his hand.

“Are you-” Louis started to ask, and then he shook his head. “My serve. Yeah?”

Harry didn’t know what to say. He could only nod and try to get back into position. Except his mind wasn’t in the game anymore. Louis caught up to him easily while he was so scatterbrained, and with each point Louis won the bouncier he got - pleased with himself for getting an edge. And Harry tried, he did try to refocus but he couldn’t.

His mind was on Louis holding him down and spanking him for a few seconds, and that was all he could remember. The dull thud of the paddle on his jeans.

“Game point for Tommo! An amazing comeback! The best in the world!” Louis screeched, arms raised high as he jumped up and down in victory. “20 to Hazza’s 17 points! Winning streak for Tommo!”

“That’s it we’re fucking banning bloody fucking ping pong,” Johnny yelled. “I’m trying to watch the stream of Masterchef, and you’re ruining it.”

“Fuck off,” Louis said, still obviously proud of himself. “Go watch in your room if you want.”

“I’m trying to be _sociable_ , you fuck!”

“Well, who asked you to do that?” Louis called before he turned back to Harry. He seemed to flag for a moment, and he went around the table.

His touch brought Harry back to the present, and he hadn’t even realized he hadn’t been in the present. He thought he had, he’d heard the banter, but his mind must still have been on…

“You okay?” Louis asked. “You’re not mad I beat you, are you?”

Harry frowned, trying to form words. “You cheated.”

Louis shrugged. “Only a little. But all’s fair in love and ping pong right?” He pecked a kiss on Harry’s lips. “I love you. I’m sorry.”

“I love you too,” Harry said, and his smile was coming. _He_ was coming back to himself. “I’ll just win next time.”

“In your dreams,” Louis said.

***

Louis started to cheat. Not regularly, just whenever he saw that Harry was starting to get a little uppity, a little confident, ahead of him by too many points, he’d start to tap his paddle pointedly against his palm, giving Harry a dark and strict look.

“Don’t make me come over there and punish you,” he’d say sometimes, in cases where the tapping wasn’t threatening enough.

It wasn’t even like Harry could call his bluff because the first time he tried to do that Louis’ eyes had flashed dark and before Harry had been able to prepare himself Louis was on him, landing quick, sharp, hard spanks on his bum that left him gasping, seeing stars, and shaking.

“Have you learned your lesson yet?” Louis always taunted after he pulled away from delivering the spanks to Harry, back to his side of the ping pong table with a bounce in his step. Pleased as punch with himself for putting Harry in his place.

Harry was always slow getting up, and that meant he’d miss the first serve Louis would send his way. Not that he could argue the rules with Louis when he did that, not when his tongue would feel heavy in his mouth.

The thing was, Harry was pretty positive that if he truly asked Louis to stop, he would. And besides, if Harry didn’t want to get spanked, he would find a way to shut up with the banter. He’d play silently, going about his turns instead of goading Louis on - almost acting as if he wanted to push Louis’ buttons. In a lot of ways, he felt like he was asking for the spankings;but he wasn’t sure what that said about him.

It only got worse after they moved into their own flat. Louis had bought them their own ping pong table so they could play in the privacy of their own place - after getting banned for being too loud and obnoxious in most public places.

In the comfort of their own home, they would more often than not lounge around in just their pants, taking advantage of the fact they could. This meant that whenever Louis would coax him into a game, Harry was wearing just pants. No jeans or trousers to act as padding and block the spanks.

That combined with the fact that Louis’ spanks were getting more sure, more confident, meant that the pain of the spanks was really starting to kick in, leaving Harry sorer than he ever felt. Sometimes he was even unable to move after a spanking, and he would worry for a moment that Louis had bruised him. He’d instinctively start to ask Louis to take a picture of his bum so he could see what it looked like, but Louis would always immediately go to the other side of the ping pong table breathing hard as he tried to compose himself.

“Get up, Haz, it’s not that bad,” Louis would say, bouncing the ball on the edge of the paddle. Harry would always watch the ball, caught up in the image that that paddle had just been doing that to his bum.

He’d drag himself up eventually, usually only after one or two points claimed by Louis, feeling lethargic and put back in his place.

***

Harry was two seconds away from googling “I like it when my boyfriend spanks me, is that weird?” He was pretty sure it was at the point where it was becoming a problem. The problem being that this latest time Louis had spanked him for getting overly competitive during a match Harry had gotten hard. And not in the “oh my dick twitched” way because Harry was used to that. It happened a lot when it came to Louis because Louis was beautiful and sexy and went out of his way to try and get that reaction out of Harry. No, he’d gotten a full-on, couldn’t hide it, erection.

When Louis had let him up from being bent over the table, his bum so sore he really doubted he’d be able to sit down tomorrow, his cock was poking out through the front of his pants. He tried to subtly adjust himself, but there was no subtly allowed in this situation. There was only the sting of his arse and embarrassment.

Louis’ eyes landed on his cock, and his mouth hung just a bit open. “Is that from-?”

Harry had bolted from the room in embarrassment before Louis could finish asking his question. He went into one of their unused bedrooms and stayed there until he’d willed his erection away.

Louis was nice enough not to bring it up; instead, he just cuddled Harry close when he finally got to bed.

Harry couldn’t get it out of his mind, though. Which is what brought him to the thought of googling. Something was clearly wrong with him. People didn’t _enjoy_ being spanked, especially not enough that they got hard. Harry may not be going onto uni, but he knew sex education; penises got hard because they got aroused, and pleasure is what made them aroused.

The spanking wasn’t pleasure; it was pain. White hot, shooting sparks into his eyes and making him throb pain. But somehow… someway his cock didn’t get that message.

He started to wear trousers around the house, not wanting to be caught unprepared. If Louis noticed anything - and he had to, Harry was a proud nudist - he didn’t say anything. He just let Harry act how he wanted and didn’t change his own behavior. He still coaxed Harry into playing ping pong, and he still threatened him with spankings when he got too mouthy.

When he finally spanked him while Harry was still wearing trousers, Harry was left unfulfilled. He pushed himself up from the table almost immediately, frowning. His head wasn’t spinning, he didn’t feel shaky, nothing. He just felt empty.

Louis frowned back at him, tapped his paddle against his palm again before he spoke. “Up so soon?”

Harry shrugged, and he forced his smile to come out, going against in the emptiness left inside him. “Yeah, guess you didn’t do a good job this time.”

Louis’ frown deepened, and he opened his mouth but just as quickly closed it. Instead of talking, he smacked the ball over to Harry. Harry had none of his normal post-spank slowness and was able to send the ball back easily. He could tell that Louis was not pleased that the spankings hadn’t worked.

Harry didn’t know what to say, but soon shit talking just started to flow out of him.

“Is this all you got?” Harry asked as he got a point back.

15 to 13.

“Your swing is weak,” Harry snickered as he easily sent the ball back, getting another point.

16 to 13.

“Getting slow in your old age, man,” Harry said when Louis missed the ball.

17 to 13.

“No wonder that spanking did nothing to me.” Harry stuck out his tongue, feeling tingly.

18 to 13.

“THAT’S IT!” Louis snapped, cracking the top of the table with his paddle.

Harry froze, and that was all Louis needed. He grabbed Harry by the bicep and wrestled both his arms behind his back, bending them at an awkward angle that immediately made tears spring to his eyes. He held them as tight as he could in one hand, while he used the other to push Harry’s jeans and pants down.

He shivered at the cold air in their flat, but his bum was only cold for a moment before the paddle-

SMACK

Harry let out a sob, and he tried to fight against Louis up until he felt himself start to slip from Louis’ grasp. He didn’t want that. He wanted more. The pain had been so sharp and hot against his bare flesh, sending him rocketing and spiraling all at once.

He went still and limp as he felt Louis hesitate.

“Don’t stop,” his whispered, trying to turn his head so Louis could see it was okay. Because it was okay. It _was_ , even as tears started to stream down his face.

He couldn’t see Louis. All he felt was when the paddle swung down again, on his other cheek, sending shockwaves of pain and pleasure through him. His cock throbbed from where it was trapped in the tangle of his pants, but he didn’t care. He tried to arch back, be more inviting, all while staying as limp as possible under Louis’ hold.

Louis didn’t talk as he spanked Harry, just delivered blow, after blow, after painfully delightful blow. Usually, he talked to fill the quiet, telling Harry how bad he was being and how this would teach him, but instead, there was only Harry’s crying. He couldn’t stop it even if he tried. He was so overwhelmed with the pain and the pleasure and his cock rubbing against the cotton of his pants.

He lost track of how many times Louis had spanked him, all he knew was he was barreling towards the edge, getting closer, and closer with each hot spank. His voice was getting raw from his choked gasps and sobs, his arms falling asleep positioned as they were.

When he came, it was with a force he hadn’t felt since the first time Louis had sunk his mouth down on him in the bunk beds at the X-Factor house. Just as shocking, just as surreal. He made an absolute mess in his pants, and his body sagged against the table. His mind was leaking out of his ears.

Only then did Louis finally stop, stepping away.

“Your bum.” Louis’ voice was quiet.

Harry had no idea what he meant. His bum was on fire, and when he tried to wiggle it, he only got another shock of pain. He let out a sob, and he dropped his arms down from his back. They tingled and burned from being asleep, but he pushed his jeans and pants down with them all the same. It took so much effort to do it, but they were a mess of come and sweat.

“Harry,” Louis said again, and then Harry heard the pattering of Louis’ feet walking away.

He frowned, his mind still floating away. Why did Louis leave? What was happening? He tried to push himself up, but he couldn’t do it. He just laid there on the cool ping pong table, trying to collect himself. But he couldn’t collect himself. He was scattered in so many different pieces… 

Louis puttered back into the room, and a cool cloth was draped over his bum.

“Harry, we need to talk.”

Harry’s stomach dropped out. He opened his mouth to say something, but he couldn’t make words form.

Louis kept talking. “We need to talk about _this_ whole thing. The spanking.”

 _No_. Harry didn’t want to talk about this. He didn’t want to hear how wrong he was. Shame started to coat his entire body like the come cooling against his skin. He was vulnerable and shaking, still bent over the table.

People had told him this thing with Louis wasn’t going to last. That there were no such things as soulmates and that they’d fall out of love, but he hadn’t thought his own actions would make Louis fall out of love with him. He didn’t think he would be the one to break this. He’d worked so hard to be good for Louis. He only bantered because it was what Louis wanted. 

A dynamic between them. Harry is good. Harry starts to get cocky. Louis puts him in his place and reminds him where he belongs. Louis is happy. Harry is happy.

That’s what Harry thought everything was. Just another game between them. Added dynamic.

Apparently, he’d been wrong.

He couldn’t speak, and he knew his silence was frustrating Louis. He could hear it in the way Louis was shuffling behind him.

“Harry, stand up,” Louis snapped. “Look at me. We’re going to talk.”

Harry didn’t want to move - felt like he couldn’t - but the order made him. He was shaky on his feet as the cloth Louis had draped over his bum plopped wetly on the floor.

“You need to turn around,” Louis said. “Have you just forgotten how to be human?”

The insult shot through Harry, and he crossed his arms over his chest as he shuffled his feet around. His pants and trousers were still around his knees, and it hindered his movements. If he could tuck himself more inward, he would, just to get away from Louis. Louis who he’d disappointed in some way.

Louis was silent, and Harry could barely take it. He peeked up at Louis, trying to gauge his feelings, but what he saw in Louis’ face broke his heart. Louis looked confused and lost, and that was _wrong_. Louis should never be lost. Louis was the one who knew everything. If he didn’t know what to do with Harry, what was the point of anything?

“You’re a mess,” Louis finally said. “I mean- you made a mess.” He moved, and Harry flinched until he saw Louis was just bending down to pick up the dropped cloth. “Here, I’ll clean you up. I hadn’t realized you’d… come from that.” Louis sounded as lost as he looked.

Harry stared down at Louis as he wiped him down. He tried to open his mouth and say something, but nothing came out except another wracked sob. His hand shot up from his chest, and he tried to wipe his face before his tears got too out of control.

Louis dropped the washcloth and scrambled to his feet, eyes wild. “Harry, Harry, what’s wrong? Talk to me.” He wrapped his arms around Harry’s shoulders, and Harry just continued to sob instead of saying anything.

He was a mess, Louis had been right the first time he’d said it. It only made Harry feel worse, more like he’d messed up, and it made the shame of everything twist deeper and harder.

“I’m sorry,” he finally managed to choke out. “I’m so so sorry.”

Louis shushed him, pressing a kiss to his temple. “Why are you sorry?”

Harry hiccuped. “You said,” he choked on air and coughed, “the spankings. I’m wrong.”

Louis’ arms squeezed around him, and despite everything, he felt safe here, wrapped up in Louis. He always would. “I- I don’t know what to say. I said we need to talk about them. Not that-“

“Because I’m _wrong_ ,” Harry interrupted him. He was finally able to say words, and now they were just vomiting out of him. “No one should get so turned on because they’re being hurt that they come. I can’t even blame teenage libido or something because we had sex this morning and last night and so I shouldn’t be coming untouched like that and not from something like being spanked. And it hurt but I feel _good_ and how wrong is that?”

“I… have no idea, Harry. That’s why we need to talk. You need to tell me what’s going on. Did I do something wrong? Why are you crying?”

Louis’ questions were overloading him, and Harry dissolved back into tears and tried to pull away from Louis. Louis wasn’t letting that happen though. He fought Harry, forcing him to stay in the hug. “Harry! Stop!” Harry froze at the order. Louis was breathing heavily, and he still looked lost as he gave Harry a shake. “Pull yourself together. You’re scaring me.”

Harry tried to take deep breaths the way he did when he got stage fright, but this wasn’t like that at all. The anxiety was so much worse. It was deep and all he could hear repeating in his head was that he was wrong, and he’d upset Louis, and that meant he was bad _and_ wrong and no one would ever love him again because he was broken-

“We’re going to the shower,” Louis seemed to decide.

Harry almost tripped over his own two feet as he tried to follow Louis down to their room and en suite. He kicked his trousers and pants the rest of the way and followed him naked from the waist down to their en suite. He had no other choice.

Louis turned the water on and finished undressing Harry. “Get under there and just… try to breathe. I’ll be right back.”

Harry’s breath hitched, and panic started to seep in again. Louis couldn’t leave- but then what right did Harry have asking Louis to do anything?

Louis seemed to realize he was spiraling again and he was quick to continue. “I’m serious, I’ll be right back. I just need a moment.”

Harry couldn’t say anything to that so he just stepped under the warm water and hoped it would help. If Louis said he wasn’t making a run for it, then he had to trust him. He couldn’t just think the worst of Louis. He had to believe that things would be okay.

It didn’t stop his mind from swirling with the worst-case scenarios as he stood under the warm water. He started to shake with tears again as he reached for some body wash and a flannel to clean himself off properly. Louis probably didn’t want to see proof of his perversion. That’s what it had to be, right? A perversion.

He wondered if he scrubbed hard enough, he could erase it from his body.

He turned around and winced as the gentle stream of water pattered against his sore bum. He reached behind him and touched it delicately. Louis always told him how much he loved his bum. He’d worship it some nights, just to hear Harry lose all sense and rational.

Louis loved to brag that he was a bum man, so what must he be feeling, having spanked Harry’s bum so hard that it was sore? He usually talked about how perfect it was, how much he loved it, and now he’d ... damaged it. And all Harry had done was cry and come because of it.

Another sob snuck out, and Harry tried desperately to clamp it down.

“I got you a fluffy towel.” Louis’ voice filled the room. “And I got you some comfy pajamas, I figure they’ll feel good against your… bum.” His words dropped off when he said that and his eyes seemed to settle on Harry letting the water rinse over him. “And mum suggested I use that cream we have in the first aid kit. I didn’t tell her!” He was quick to clarify. “I just said I’d bruised my knee banging it against the cabinet and asked what I should rub over it.”

The tension from that at least left Harry’s body. If Louis had told anyone else about this, he was pretty sure he would die.

“So when you’re ready feel free to get out and I’ll towel you off and put some of this cream on your bum to help with any bruises.”

 _Were there bruises?_ Harry didn’t know. He knew his bum was sore but that was the extent of it.

He stepped out of the shower, forgetting to shut it off until after Louis had draped him in the towel. He focused on that. It was one of their fancy guest towels and the fuzz from it being brand new still stuck to his skin as he rubbed himself dry. Louis shut off the shower and then took over drying him. He rubbed carefully over his body before folding the towel up and giving Harry’s hair a little ruffle to make it dry.

“There we go,” Louis whispered. “Nice and dry.” He spun Harry around so his back was facing him and kneeled down. Harry turned his head as much as he could, straining to see what Louis was doing.

He could only see the top of Louis’ head but he felt the way Louis cupped his cheeks in the palms of his hands. “Oh what did I do?” Louis asked. His voice sounded broken as he reached for the cream. He rubbed it in between his hands and carefully applied it over Harry’s bum. He jumped a little at the sensation.

It numbed and there was a part of Harry that was sad that the pain was going away, that he was losing something to focus on, but the other part of him was feeling warmed that Louis was taking care of him. Louis _did_ care about him. He’d known that, but somehow in the midst of everything his brain had somehow forgotten that fact. But with Louis touching him it was all coming back to him. He was starting to remember how to function.

Louis took his hands away and after a moment he put them back on Harry’s hips, pulling himself up to a standing position. “Are you feeling better?” Louis asked as he spun Harry back around. He was trying to smile and Harry didn’t understand why his eyes seemed watery. Louis hadn’t done anything wrong.

He nodded, because he didn’t know what else to do, and he tried to smile back. He felt like it was what Louis needed from him. “Can we go to bed?”

“Yeah, of course. Let’s just…” Louis gave him a kiss. “Let’s go to bed.”

Harry followed him into their bedroom and got onto the bed. He was still a little damp but he didn’t care as he got under the covers. He wasn’t feeling human at all, but Louis shutting off the lights and plunging them into darkness made him feel slightly better. Louis couldn’t see him anymore, and be reminded of what a fuck up he was.

The bed dipped as Louis got into bed next to him, sliding under the covers. Harry didn’t know if he was welcome to cuddle closer so he waited, holding his breath, until Louis slung an arm out and pulled him closer. Harry relaxed then, letting himself be cuddled up to Louis’ chest. He wrapped his arms up against his chest, clinging to Louis’ arm as he shut his eyes, intent on falling asleep.

Of course it wasn’t that easy. He didn’t drift, tired and wired at the same time. His mind was still going a mile a minute, replaying everything that had happened, except it was like slugging through molasses.

He felt a ghost of a kiss on the back of his neck and he shivered. A second kiss told him it wasn’t his imagination.

“Can I make it up to you?” Louis breathed out. “Please?”

Harry wanted to say no. He felt like crap. He felt like he didn’t deserve this. But he wanted to feel better. He wanted to feel special.

He nodded.

Louis trailed his lips down his spine, unhooking his arm from the deathgrip Harry had put it in so he could follow his lips. He disappeared under the blanket and Harry knew it would get warm under there so he shrugged it down, letting Louis have the chance to breathe. He jumped as Louis touched his hips, positioning him.

“I can kiss it better?” Louis asked, and it should sound funny. Harry should laugh, but he couldn’t. Instead he just nodded, hoping that was enough.

Louis kissed his tailbone and he jumped again. Not from pain, just from surprise.

“It’s okay,” Louis whispered. “I’m not gonna… I’m just,” he touched his palm to Harry’s bum, pushing him onto his stomach so his bum was better positioned for Louis to do what he wanted.

Harry didn’t feel like he was truly there. He _was_ , and he was reacting as Louis kept kissing him, but he didn’t _feel_ like he was. He was outside his body, looking down on it, unsure what was happening and why.

He was getting hard but he didn’t feel turned on. He was just going through the motions. He was moaning and letting Louis eat him out, but all he could think was that he was wrong and he didn’t deserve this and he couldn’t understand why this was happening.

Louis pulled an orgasm out of him and it was the most disappointing orgasm Harry had ever felt in his life, but he let Louis cuddle him up against his chest and when Louis asked if he was feeling better he shuffled closer instead of answering.

He was pretty positive neither of them wanted to know the answer.

***

They didn’t talk about it. They stopped playing ping pong too. Their relationship settled back into normal. Harry never forgot but he hoped, desperately, that they’d put this whole thing behind them.

Which is of course why Louis had to utter words that shot straight through his heart as they were lying next to each other, drunk and high, inside their tent at Leeds.

“I figured it out,” Louis said.

“Figured what out?” Harry asked. They were naked and it was cold and muddy but their sleeping bags and body heat were protecting them from it.

“The spanking thing.”

Harry wished it was true what they said about sobering up really quickly, that he was doused in cold water and suddenly his brain was thinking right, but instead he just stared at Louis’ shadow in the dark and went, “what?” because his brain wasn’t working.

“You liking spanking. I figured it out. It’s this thing where people like it.”

Harry couldn’t understand the words Louis was saying. “What?” He repeated. “I don’t like being spanked.” Even though he wasn’t sober he was starting to get that twisting fear.

“Sure you do that’s why you came when I did it.” Harry’s breathing was coming heavier and heavier. But Louis was drunk too so he didn’t seem to notice, just kept talking. “Though I did fuck up, and probably spanked you way too hard. She told me I need to apologize.”

 _She_? What was Louis talking about. Who was she? Who had Louis spoken to? Had he told his _mum_?

“Harry? Harry? Hey, breathe for me? Oh fuck.”

Harry’s eyes were squeezed shut as he tried to shut everything out. Louis, the world, his shame. All of it. It needed to go away. He’d been so much _better_. They’d been having normal sex. Harry had been coming from normal things like kisses, and blow jobs, and Louis gripping his cock, and him being inside Louis. All normal. Things that were okay to come from.

Louis shoved his forehead hard against Harry’s, forcing him to open his eyes. “Follow my breathing,” he said as he took a deep breath through his nose. 

It took Harry a couple of breaths to follow the order, and even longer to actually feel it working. Louis kept breathing heavily, making sure Harry had something to follow until he was almost back to normal.

“It’s okay,” Louis said, leaning forward to give him a kiss. “It’s all okay.”

Harry shook his head. He wanted to ask Louis who he had told but just the thought of it sent his stomach knotting up again and he couldn’t focus on that. He ducked his head into Louis’ chest and tried desperately to listen to his heartbeat. Louis rubbed his back and the pressure of being held by him made Harry feel safe.

He didn’t remember drifting off to bed but when he woke up the next morning Louis was still there, snoring gently. It took a few moments for Harry’s morning fog brain to remember what had happened in the moments before he’d fallen asleep. He tensed, not sure if he should extract himself from Louis yet, or stay there. Memory-Louis didn’t seem to have been mad at him but Harry knew his brain could play tricks on him.

He didn’t know how long he laid there, unmoving, until Louis’ face scrunched up. He was waking up. Harry’s eyes snapped closed and he tried to relax his face, doing his best impression of pretending to be asleep. He didn’t have to wait long for Louis to reach out and stroke his cheek.

“I know you’re awake, Haz.” His voice sounded rough, probably from the screaming they’d done yesterday during the festival. “Open your eyes.”

Harry opened his eyes slowly, peeking up through the mess of his curls. Louis tilted his head up as bit more with his hand.

“Are you feeling better?”

Harry found he couldn’t work his mouth that well and it took him a couple tries to get it going. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t want to talk about this do you?” Louis asked.

“I don’t want you to keep bringing it up when I least expect it,” Harry snapped. “Why can’t you just _drop it_? I have.”

“Because,” Louis’ fingers found their way into Harry’s hair and Harry frowned. He was dirty and he’d need to take a long shower when they got home. “It’s something you liked.”

“No I didn’t.”

“You enjoyed then, fucking hell, Haz why are you getting so caught up in the, I don’t know semantics of it all?” He took a couple deep breaths and when he spoke again his voice was different. It was clear to Harry he was changing tactics. “You’re so ashamed and I just want to show you that it’s okay. You don’t have anything to be embarrassed about.”

Harry didn’t know if he believed that, but the way Louis was carding his fingers through his hair was soothing and it made him want to listen to what Louis had to say.

“Can you just, when we get home I have something I want to show you.” Harry opened his mouth to argue but Louis gave his hair a tug. “Please, Haz? Just give it a chance? I’m fucking crap at explaining it but I think it’ll help.”

People were starting to stir around them and Harry could hear a ruckus outside the tent. He tucked himself closer to Louis, hiding his face in his chest. “I just wanted some morning sex. Is that too much to ask?”

He felt Louis kiss the top of his head as his arms reached around Harry, digging into his bare bum. Harry’s breath hitched as he arched into Louis’ body. They both smelled and had morning breath but Harry was used to it being a bit dirty. He leaned forward for a kiss as they rubbed against each other. They were just going to make a bigger mess and get their sleeping bags dirty but he didn’t care.

There was only the friction of skin on skin as they rutted against each other, kissing, and tangling their legs together. Their gasps and groans filling the tent.

“Shit,” Louis grunted, angling his hips better so he could fuck his cock against Harry’s thigh.

Harry echoed him because a moment later he was coming against Louis’ stomach. He hoped, as he started to drift off, that Louis would forget what they had been talking about.

***

Louis didn’t forget about what he was going to show Harry. They had just gotten into their flat and before Harry could even comment about unpacking and starting a load of laundry, Louis grabbed him and pulled him upstairs to their bedroom.

“Sit,” Louis said as he grabbed his laptop. He opened it and started pacing. “So, I guess I should start with - I was googling and trying to, like, figure this all out. And, like, obviously when I googled ‘liking spanking’ I got a lot of porn. And I mean A LOT of porn. And I always kinda knew it was something in porn but I’d never watched it.” Harry didn’t know what to say, because yeah he knew there was spanking in porn but porn wasn’t _real_. That was a big thing that had been driven into his head by (embarrassingly) his mum and (less embarrassingly) his dad and Robin. Who cared what people in porn did?

“So I started watching it, because if there’s that much porn about it then that has to mean something. And I started to find… harder stuff. You know, the leather stuff we’ve laughed about before?” Harry knew what Louis was talking about. “So I was watching that and trying to figure it all out, and it hit me. There had to be like… a chat room for this shit.”

Harry’s mouth went dry. “You didn’t… Lou what if someone found out who you were?”

“I didn’t sign up for them with my picture or something! But yeah, I found some. And I read, and I eventually found some blogs written by people who were into it- it being… kinky shit. BDSM. And their blogs were _really_ good and informative. They weren’t like the porn. They had information and dictionaries,” Louis was gesticulating with one of his arms now while he cradled his laptop in his other arm.

“Okay?” Harry said. He wasn’t sure where this was going. Louis seemed to be in the middle of a tangent and he had no clue how he was going to tie it all together.

Neither did Louis it seemed because he sorta froze as he realized what he was doing. “Here just,” he shoved his laptop towards Harry. “Read.”

Harry looked at the computer screen, squinting in confusion as it looked like an email chain. He clicked until he got to the first email, dated at a little over three weeks ago, which Louis had sent. He gave Louis one last look before he read what he’d written.

_Dear Mistress Lorin: I’ve been reading your blog for a couple weeks now and was hoping you’d give me some advice for something that happened with me and my boyfriend. I’m really worried that I hurt him._

Harry ignored how his stomach clenched in nerves and clicked on the next email where _Mistress Lorin_ answered Louis only a couple hours later.

_Hello. A bit rude of you not to provide me a name, but I can only assume you’re quite worried if you’re breaking my rules and sending me an anonymous message. I will try and help you as best as I can. XXX Mistress Lorin._

The next email written by Louis was longer, and Harry couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable as he read Louis detail what had happened between the two of them to a perfect stranger. Even if that stranger didn’t know who they were.

_Dear Mistress Lorin, I’m sorry. I want to remain anonymous. You can call me whatever you want. At the beginning of the year me and my boyfriend started playing ping pong. I’m a naturally competitive person and so is he even though he’s a bit of a klutz and I thought it would be fun. We both ended up being really good at the game which I’m really happy about except that he gets a bit mouthy when he wins._

_Which is fine, I don’t know how to describe it. It is fine that he wins, I’m happy for him even though I get annoyed because I’ve lost, but there’s this part of me that thinks him being mouthy and talking shit is him trying to get a reaction out of me. A couple weeks after we started playing I got really fed up with him talking shit and as we were playing I sorta threatened to put him in his place? It sounds so bad when I write it back, especially because he didn’t stop! It felt like he was egging me on! And so I went and I spanked him with the ping pong paddle. I don’t think I did it too hard but I really can’t remember. It was all adrenaline and blood rushing in my ears. I could have spanked him four or five times or fifty times it’s all a blur. And like it worked, cause it shut him up, but we never really talked about it? And then it kept happening without us talking about it? He’d get mouthy and I’d warn him I was going to do it but he’d keep talking shit and so I’d have to spank him. Well I wouldn’t have to. God this sounds so awful._

_And then one day I spanked him and he got hard? But every time I tried to talk to him about it he kept pushing me off, or running away from me. I think he’s embarrassed. And it could have maybe been fine except one day we were playing ping pong and he was talking A LOT of shit. And it was different too because he was actually talking about the spankings this time and using that in his shit talking so it was almost like permission?_

_I don’t know why it happened but I just felt like I lost control and I spanked him really, really, really hard. So hard that his bum was really bruised but he’d also come from me spanking him. And when it was all over he was completely spaced out. I tried to talk to him about everything that had happened but that only made it worse. I think after reading around that me asking him questions caused him to drop? But I didn’t know that at the time, and he didn’t know anything either. When it all happened I tried to make him feel better but I didn’t know what I was doing and we ended up having sex and I know now that that’s really, really bad, but I didn’t know any better._

_I feel absolutely awful reading everything back that happened. I don’t know what to do and I’m really worried I fucked everything up. We don’t play ping pong anymore but we also haven’t talked about anything that happened. We’ve both been really busy with our jobs so it’s not like we’ve had a lot of downtime but I still think about this constantly and I’m just. Really worried I’ve hurt him and broken trust between us._

Harry glanced over at Louis, not sure what to say as he clicked on Mistress Lorin’s response. He was getting itchy and sweaty and he didn’t want to read much more but he knew he probably should. He swallowed, his eyes darting over her own paragraphs.

“What’s drop?” He asked, before he read more.

“It’s- it’s not good. It’s very bad,” Louis said, his voice so quick that he was almost tripping over himself.

“But what is it?”

“It’s - so like when someone goes through a scene, after they come you can get kinda … floaty? Like even more than a normal orgasm.”

Harry shifted, uncomfortable as he started to remember what it had been like for him after Louis had spanked him. Before everything came crashing down. He’d felt good. Better than any time he’d normally come. “Okay?”

“But you - the sub - if they aren’t taken care of right they can start to think they’re like… not good? And they basically _drop out_ of the good feeling and start to feel really, _really_ bad.”

“Like…” Harry trailed off before he could say, _what happened with me_.

Louis finished it for him. “What happened with you. Are you done reading?”

Harry shook his head. “I just read your big email to her.”

“Oh. Okay. I’ll let you. Just continue.” Louis went back to pacing.

_Oh Baby Dom it looks like you made a complete fucking mess out of inadvertly exploring kink._

_I don’t really want to comfort you and tell you it’ll all be okay, but you at least had enough brains about yourself to reach out to someone so I suppose I’ll throw in a “it’ll be okay” just to help. I guess it’s a good thing that you haven’t done anything since either. It does sound like you think your boyfriend was on the same page with you to begin with but now you don’t know. And the only way you’re going to be able to find out is if you talk to him._

_Reading back I see you’ve said he doesn’t seem to want to talk about it which is honestly his own choice and you can’t force him to do anything. If he doesn’t want to talk about it, even if you present it in a non-threatening way and instead try and approach it as you offering him advice, all you really can do is control yourself in the future. And by “control yourself” I mean don’t fucking do that again._

_In couples that have talked about their boundaries and kink before what you described about your boyfriend being mouthy and trying to push you for a reaction would be silent invitation to play. It would be your job to then know when to stop, and to pay attention to your boyfriend’s body cues._

_I don’t really know what else you want from me. If you were looking for validation that you didn’t fuck up I can’t in good concious give that to you. The only person who could is your boyfriend. Apologize to him. And talk to him._

_XXX Mistress Lorin_

It took Louis about a week to respond to her email.

_Mistress Lorin:_

_Thank you for your response. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear but it was what I needed to hear. I’m terrified that I fucked up, especially the more and more I read about BDSM, both on your blog and from the links you’ve provided. I know I need to talk to my boyfriend but I don’t really know how to even begin. He’s so embarrassed about what happened and what had been happening. I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t think giving him links to your blog will go over well. Do you have any advice? - Baby Dom_

The final three messages between the two of them were much shorter, with Mistress Lorin repeating her earlier suggestion that Louis ease into the conversation as an informational one, him sending a follow up expressing how nervous he was, and her final message telling him pretty succinctly that he wouldn’t get over his nerves unless he actually went and talked to Harry.

 _If you’re truly at a complete loss send your boyfriend my way, BD. XXX Mistress Lorin._ was her final send off.

Harry’s fingers itched to send her some sort of response. He was buzzing with questions about what had happened when Louis spanked him, but the biggest one that was on the tip of his tongue he asked out loud.

“You’re not mad at me?”

Louis froze in place as he stared at Harry. “What?” He immediately went to Harry’s side, sweeping him up in his arms. “No, no, why would I be mad?”

Harry’s voice was a whisper. “Because I came from being spanked.”

“No, of course not. I’m not mad at all.” He turned them so he was looking into Harry’s eyes. “It’s okay if that’s what you like. It’s normal even, see! It’s something people experience.” He gestured with his shoulder back towards his computer.

“I’m not broken because of it?”

“No! Not at all.”

Harry swallowed. The shame wasn’t gone at all, but he wasn’t shaking in nerves like the last times Louis had tried to talk to him about this. He ducked his head a little, hiding in Louis’ shirt. “I do like it.” His voice was quiet and broken but he needed to get the words out. “I liked it so much and I thought something was wrong with me. No one should feel good from getting hurt.”

Louis ran his hands through his hair, staying silent as he let Harry ramble out his feelings.

“I _did_ try and get you to spank me. I would say stuff hoping it would get a reaction out of you. I wanted it. I liked it. Knowing I could do that. Get that from you.”

“I know,” Louis whispered, and Harry felt him press a kiss to the top of his head. “I know and it’s okay. We… we can try again. If you want. This time with both of us knowing what to expect and what will happen. Like a proper scene.”

_A proper scene._

“What’s that?”

Louis was still for a moment before he laughed, tucking Harry closer to him. “Here,” he started to move them both around so they were curled up together and Louis’ laptop was in front of them. “I can show you some stuff on her site, okay?”

***

They didn’t stop at reading just her site. After they were done going over some of her more important pages, Harry clicked over to a blog run by a submissive, who happily blogged about his life submitting to his long term partner who he only referred to as Master. He read through the posts the sub had while curled up next to Louis, pointing out things that interested him.

“I don’t think that’s exactly possible,” Louis said as he took over the trackpad to highlight a paragraph that detailed the submissive being hung from the ceiling.

“Why not?” Harry asked.

“Just like, how are you gonna hang from the ceiling? You’re likely to tear the plaster and fall to your death.”

“They do it in the circus all the time.”

“Yeah - the _circus_ , Haz. Not some random bloke’s bedroom.”

Harry shrugged. “Maybe he does it often so he has it all set up. It’s not something I’m interested in though so I guess the hows don’t matter.”

He was interested in the spanking though, or as it seemed to be referred to as on a broader level, impact play. There were quite a lot of product reviews on the submissive’s blog and he had a whole tag dedicated to paddles. A few looked like ping pong paddles, but most were longer rectangles. This was to provide better, and harder, impact on the bum.

“Do you like that one?” Louis whispered in his ear as Harry hovered over the link for a paddle that had a heart shape carved out of it.

Harry nodded, a bit flushed. “It’s supposed to leave the heart as a mark.”

“I can see that in the pictures. We can get it if you want.”

Harry’s heart skipped a beat and before he could think better of it he clicked on the link. The shop it brought him to wasn’t nearly as unprofessional as he was assuming. The paddle was more expensive than he was expecting but he put it in his cart as Louis got up to get his wallet. Harry let out a breath the moment the order was placed because he realized this was actually happening. Even if it never got _used_ , even if tomorrow he woke up and decided he was delirious (and he couldn’t see a world where he would be able to unlearn everything he had read tonight) this was still a thing that had happened. They would own this paddle.

Louis wrapped his arm back around him. “You wanna keep looking at the blogs or is that enough for tonight?”

Harry frowned as he thought. “I. Maybe we can stop looking and instead we can have a talk?”

Louis closed the laptop, pressing a kiss to Harry’s temple. “Of course.”

“We’ll need a safeword,” Harry said. “That’s what they all say right? Because sometimes I might say _stop_ but really I mean _keep going_.”

“I- yes. That’s something we can talk about.” Louis fumbled a bit as he put the laptop on his bedside table before coming back to cuddle with Harry.

“What about banana? It’s easy to say. It doesn’t sound like anything else I would say during sex.”

Louis hummed. “That could work. Would we want to use the same word? It would make it easier to remember.”

“Would you need to safe word?”

“Sure. If I think you need it, or if it gets too intense for me and I feel like I’m losing control and that I might hurt you.”

“I don’t,” Harry’s voice dropped. “I don’t think I’d mind that. Being hurt.”

“I mean really hurt you. Like if I drew blood and you didn’t see it or feel it. I would safe word there.”

Harry’s thumb came up to his mouth and he chewed on the skin around his nail as he thought. “Yeah I guess I can see that. Would we plan when you’d spank me? Like the paddle arrives and that night I just bend over and you do it?”

“We could,” Louis said carefully. “Or we could kinda do what Mistress Lorin suggested.”

“What did she suggest?”

“The way we were doing it before was fine - where you were being mouthy and pushing my buttons. As long as we’d agreed before that a scene was what was going to happen. So say we play ping pong and you want to play: you’d start being mouthy again and that would be the cue to me that you want to play. And then it would be on me to accept. If I don’t want to accept I could safe word and you’d know I wasn’t in the mood.”

“But if you didn’t then we’d…” Harry trailed off as he squirmed, unable to help himself.

“Then I would choose a good time to spank you.”

“How many times? Would you spank me until I cry?”

Louis blew out a breath. “I didn’t like making you cry, but that’s because I was worried I’d hurt you.”

“That’s not why I cried.”

“Why’d you cry?” Louis asked, voice quiet.

Harry had to think about it for a moment but he eventually settled on why. “It was just a release. I was so overwhelmed with all the emotions I was feeling it needed to come out somewhere. I don’t think me crying is a bad thing. If it was bad I would tell you.”

“You’d safe word?”

Harry nodded. “Ba-Nan-A,” he dragged out the word weirdly to make a point.

“How about we agree on a number for the first scene we do together. We follow the set up but I only spank you ten times. And if that’s a good number then we stop, but if you want more we can do more.”

“Would you do them fast or would you do them slower?” Harry asked. “I think that would change how many I could take.”

“A mix? It would depend how mouthy you are. That could be something you control. If you mentioned spanking that means you want it one way and if you don’t that means you want them the other way?”

Harry hummed in thought. “I think if I mention spanking it means I want it fast. I want to be _punished_ like you did the last time.” Louis squeezed his arms around him. “I really scared you with what happened last time, didn’t I?’

“You have no idea,” Louis said, voice muffled in his shoulder. “I fucked up so badly. I made you _drop_. Even though I didn’t know that’s what happened I shouldn’t have been so insensitive to you. I promise I won’t let that happen again. I’ll make sure to take care of you afterwards every single time. I’ll cuddle you and treat you like glass and give you kisses and cuddles and whatever you need. I won’t try and pull you out of subspace.”

“I know,” Harry said. “I trust you.”

Louis kissed the skin of his neck. “I trust you too, Harry. And I love you.”

***

They started to play ping pong again. It was absolutely thrilling, especially when Harry spotted the heart paddle hanging underneath the table for the first time.

“I figure that way I can reach for it without having to break _the scene_ ,” Louis said.

Harry giggled. “What will people say if they see it?”

Louis shrugged. “You know, because we got that number one single now I’m sure we can buy a second ping pong table and this one can hide away in one of the other rooms that we just don’t let people see.”

“We can’t have a _special_ ping pong table!” Harry insisted, but he knew that now Louis had that idea in his mind that was exactly what was going to happen.

The first time they played with the paddle there Harry was so distracted by it he didn’t have any organic chance to be mouthy. Louis teased him mercilessly about it, to the point Harry had a flash of wishing he could bend Louis over and spank _him_.

“If you even _think_ about spanking me I will return that paddle before we even get to break it in on you,” Louis said, serving the ball and easily getting a point off of Harry’s lousy return serve.

“You haven’t broken it in at all,” Harry said with a pout. He only had two points to Louis’ ten.

“Course I have. I wanted to see how it felt weight wise compared to these. Gotta say, it feels pretty nice. Can’t wait to get a chance to punish you with it.” Louis threw him a flirty wink. “You need to get better for me to do that though.”

So yeah, that first time was a bit of a wash. As was the second, and third time. Harry was just so distracted by the paddle. And it wasn’t helping that their schedule was picking up now that they had released the single. They were rarely home for prolonged periods now, and even though they could find ping pong tables anywhere, setting up the paddle and getting privacy was difficult.

Harry could not waste these opportunities Louis was giving him. Which meant he needed to up his game. He started to play against the other boys, trying to get better and better so that way when he had the next chance he wasn’t going to throw it away.

***

“Hey Lou, you wanna play some ping pong?” Harry asked. It was a rare day off, day being a liberal use of the word. Harry was pretty sure it was two in the morning and he was running off of adrenaline and caffeine.

Louis looked up from his laptop where he’d been scrolling on some sites. Harry had a feeling Louis hadn’t left those chat rooms after they’d gotten their answers and he caught a glimpse of a site that he was pretty sure he recognized as a BDSM forum before Louis shut his laptop.

“Course, love. Let me spank you.” Louis loved saying that now when they talked about ping pong. He seemed to think it was hilarious and he’d casually drop the phrase around the other boys and management willy nilly.

It always made Harry flush - the good kind - with embarrassment whenever Louis said that.

“Oh that’s right, I won’t spank you, cause I’m just so good,” Louis said, winking.

Harry squared his shoulders, taking a deep breath. He was not going to let Louis win. He was going to earn his fucking spankings.

He was only wearing his pants as he went into their ping pong room and grabbed his paddle along with the ball. He caught a glimpse of the heart paddle and swallowed as he tried to push it out of his mind. He couldn’t focus on that now. Later, maybe, when it was spanking him.

Louis was loose limbed as he took up his spot on the other side of the table. He was matching Harry in just wearing his pants and the sight of his naked skin made Harry bite his lip. The cold air of their flat made Louis’ nipples stand out and he knew what that did to Harry.

No. He would not lose.

He served the ball and immediately they were off. They matched each other, Louis relaxed and Harry focused. Two different styles with two different objectives.

Harry won the first point and he gave a little fist pump as Louis rolled his eyes.

“One point is nothing, love.”

One point quickly became five, quickly became seven. Each point he got Harry accompanied with a fist pump of joy, even as he watched the way Louis slowly started to shift.

It wasn’t an act, Harry knew. Louis was getting frustrated at losing. He hated losing. Harry knew deep down Louis had been enjoying denying him the spankings, it was like winning two fold.

Louis got a point back and made the score 1 to 7, but Harry immediately took another point off him, and he stuck out his tongue as Louis went to retrieve the ball. As Louis returned to the table he was tapping his paddle against his bare thigh, just passed where his pants ended.

“You know, you’re getting better. That’s good, Haz. I’m happy for you,” Louis said.

“You’re full of shit,” Harry said through a cackle.

Louis’ eyes flashed as he served the ball. They volleyed back and forth but in the end Harry got the point off of him again.

“Nine to one. Maybe I should implement a mercy rule and end at ten.”

Louis served the ball.

10 points for Harry.

“What the fuck,” Louis muttered.

“Guess you aren’t that good without a bit of cheating, are you?” Harry said.

“Oh fuck you,” Louis snapped as he served the ball again.

Harry could see that Louis was trying to deny him some more by not reacting the way Harry wanted. He knew he’d need to come up with something to make him snap. He shuffled through some things to say as he made it to thirteen points to Louis’ one.

“You know, Niall is much better at spanking me,” Harry made sure to deliver it casually.

Louis’ head snapped up. “Excuse me.” His blue eyes were dark.

Harry shrugged, trying to keep his smile down. “He’s just more of a challenge.”

Louis slammed his paddle onto the table and it CRACKED so loudly that Harry jumped.

Having to get the heart paddle out from under the table disrupted Louis’ flow just enough that Harry was able to brace himself before he was thrown forward, bent over the table. His body tensed, memories of the last time flooding, but he pushed them aside. He closed his eyes and accepted this. This is what he’d wanted.

“Green,” he whispered, the command Louis and he had talked about adding to their list of safe words. They’d been practicing telling each other what was green in everyday interactions to get used to it, and it paid off because of how fluidly it slipped off of his tongue.

Louis acknowledged his _green_ by pulling his pants down, exposing his bare bum.

“You even _think_ about getting spanked by someone else and I’ll make you regret it,” Louis hissed, and then he was letting the first blow come down.

Harry gasped. It wasn’t the hardest Louis had ever hit him, clearly this was a test swing. The broadness of the paddle allowed it to strike both of his cheeks at once and that was new. Harry braced himself on the table because the next spank had more force behind it and it sent him moving forward. Or it would if he wasn’t holding himself up.

“Beautiful,” Louis whispered, and Harry was sure that wasn’t meant to be part of the scene.

He wondered what about him had caused Louis to break character like that.

But then he wasn’t wondering because a third, fourth, fifth, and sixth spank followed. Each was harder than the last and Harry was gasping for air. He wasn’t in the head space yet where he would cry, he wasn’t sure he could get there tonight, and it was okay. The pain was doing its job. He was hard and he was enjoying it, moaning at each hit.

“Fucking, asshole,” Louis grunted. “You’re enjoying this aren’t you?” He was panting as the blows stopped. Harry wasn’t keeping count, not the way he had been tracking his ping pong points. He was getting lost in his own head. “Answer me, Harold.”

He hummed in thought, not remembering the question.

“You’re enjoying getting spanked, aren’t you? You little pain slut.” The name calling sent a zing through him that he wasn’t expecting and he choked.

“Ye-yes.”

Another spank landed across his bum, and it was definitely tender. Possibly bruised. He stuck his bum out more, hoping for more.

“Say it. Say you’re a little pain slut.”

Harry swallowed as another hit came. “I- pain slut.”

“Say you’re _my_ pain slut.”

“I’m yours. Your pain slut.”

This time the spank was a reward and he could _feel_ the difference. His cock could feel the difference. How weird was that?

“That’s right,” Louis grunted. “And that means you like this.” His words were spaced out with more spankings and the combination was finally getting Harry down deeper.

“I like it,” Harry repeated unprompted.

“That’s why you say such _awful things_ to me,” Louis ended this sentence with a tap lower, hitting where his bum met his upper thighs. 

He’d never spanked there before and it stung differently. Harry didn’t have a lot of padding on his bum but it was clearly more than his thighs. He choked out an, “oh fuck,” as he sagged forward.

Another spank didn’t come immediately as Harry took deep breaths, trying to breathe through the sting.

“Color?” Louis asked.

“Green,” Harry said. He clenched his hands into fists and tried to pull himself back up but then the paddle landed on just his upper thighs.

He shook from the sting and the impact. Louis wasn’t hitting as hard but it still felt so good. It made his legs jelly. It made his body jelly.

“You’re gonna be so bruised. Probably won’t be able to sit down for the meet and greet we have tomorrow.”

Did they have a meet and greet? Harry didn’t remember. The thought of being sore through it left him feeling dirty. He loved feeling sore and used in public - his and Louis’ little secret - but this would be even more.

Louis moved back to his bum, going harder. “You gonna come for me, slut? Make a mess over the table?”

It clicked in Harry’s mind. Permission. Louis was giving him permission to come and he hadn’t even realized he’d been waiting for that. The next time Louis spanked his cock twitched.

“Can I?” His voice sounded raw. “Can I come?”

Louis paused, waited a beat, then spanked again. “Yeah. Come for me, my little slut.”

That’s what he needed. Harry tucked his hands into his forearms, moaning his way through his orgasm.

The paddle was laid next to his head as Louis’ hand touched his spine. “There, there. Such a good boy.” It was beautiful to hear, the direct opposite of a slut. “My good boy. Yes you are. Here can you roll over so we can cuddle? I wanna clean you off.”

Harry wasn’t as loopy as he had been the first time. It was different all around, but it was better. He was so happy, floaty, and serene. Following Louis’ easy instructions was second nature to him. He stepped out of his pants and let Louis use them to clean the come off of his cock, stomach, and thighs, where he’d made a mess.

“You’re absolutely beautiful,” Louis whispered. “Wish you could see your bum and thighs.”

“Hearts?” Harry asked.

Louis laughed. “Sorta. I wasn’t hitting hard enough on your thighs. As for your bum, they got kinda lost after the first few spanks but for the first couple you had a nice set of hearts on your bum.”

Harry couldn’t stop himself from giggling as he leaned against Louis. “You need to come.”

“I will later, love,” Louis said. “Let’s just stay like this for a few minutes.

Harry realized they were sitting on a plush chair that Louis had moved into their ping pong room for this exact purpose. Cuddling. After care he called it.

“Do you need water?” Harry shook his head and Louis kissed him. “Just let me know if you do.”

Harry pursed his lips, looking for another kiss. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Can we do this again?” Louis laughed softly. “I won’t mention Niall next time.”

“Don’t mention Liam or Zayn either.”

“I won’t. Promise.”

“I know. Cause you’re my good boy.”

Harry hummed in pleasure, eyes drifting closed as he snuggled closer. His bum warm and throbbing. “Your good boy. I like that.”

“I like it too,” Louis said, stroking his fingers through Harry’s hair.

“Can I finish you off now?” Harry asked after a moment of silence. He could see how hard Louis was in his own pants, dick peeking out against the flap.

Louis’ fingers scratched his scalp. “Are you up for it?”

Harry nodded. “Yes. I want to. Please? Green.”

“Okay,” Louis said, adjusting in the chair. It was an awkward shuffle to get in the right position, and Harry’s bum ended up squished against the arm of the chair, and it added a delicious layer of pain to the entire experience as he pulled Louis’ cock out of his pants.

He licked his lips and let Louis guide him down until his lips were wrapped around him. He sucked, hollowing his cheeks. He’d given Louis what had to be over hundreds of blowjobs now, so he definitely had a technique down. Even Louis being the one to set the pace wasn’t new, but it _felt_ new, like Louis was truly in control.

That kept Harry’s head nice and floaty as he sucked and licked. He didn’t need to focus on much more than that, because he wasn’t doing anymore of the work. His mouth was being used and that… that was very apparent in a way he’d never felt before while giving a blow job.

He loved the feeling.

It allowed him to focus on the taste of Louis, and the sounds he was making as he fucked Harry’s mouth, getting closer and closer. His thighs were tensing underneath Harry and that was a sign he was getting close. That he was going to come soon, filling Harry’s mouth with come.

“Yes, fuck, yes,” Louis chanted under his breath as his fingers tightened in Harry’s hair. “Take it,” he groaned and that was Harry’s only warning as his dick twitched and his mouth was flooded with come.

He swallowed, letting his mouth sink down a bit further to hear the way Louis strangled out more moans. Louis cupped the back of his neck, stroking lightly as his body went limp.

“Good boy,” he repeated, finally pulling Harry off of his cock and bringing his head up to his shoulder. It required Harry to adjust again, putting more pressure on his bum and thighs as he moved around to get comfortable, but Harry didn’t mind. He liked having to adjust to Louis’ will.

“I like this,” he said, as he leaned against Louis’ shoulder.

“I like this too,” Louis said. He turned his head and kissed Harry, tasting himself. “Still green?”

“Still green.”

Louis smiled, giving him another kiss. “Like your eyes.”

For some reason that made Harry blush and he hid his face in Louis’ neck. For all the time it took for them to get to this point he was glad they were here, and he couldn’t wait to see what came next.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this feel free to leave a kudos, a comment, or [reblog the tumblr post](https://sadaveniren.tumblr.com/post/186295294526/could-you-love-me-anyway-by-sadaveniren).


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